Sneezing Down Dog Shit Alley.

I wrote a song called ‘Grass Seeds’ a few years back. It was written at the time, as a response to my suffering from Hayfever. It was, in all fairness, a pretty shite song, but I was reminded of it when going through a particularly violent sneezing session this morning. Ziggy and I set off and as soon as we were out the door I was blasting mucus from my nasal corridors at a rate of knots. One atchoo after atchoo followed until I was sweaty, dizzy and miserable. God damn you flowers! So pretty and unassuming, yet so dangerous to the sensitive tissue in my nose. Here is one of the culprits in a neighbour’s garden. I was temnpted to pluck it from it’s stem, stamp on it and scream “You fucking, flowery fucker! You are ruining my nose and my morning, you stupid, beautifully petalled prick!!”…….. but I thought better of it and took a quick snap instead.


We carried on down Clyde Road, West Didsbury, M20 until we came to a rather old fashioned street sign and thought it best that I snap Ziggy here. This is our home street and we have lived here for over a year now. Overall, living here has been mostly kind to us and we don’t really have much to complain about. Apart from:

1) The stupid German Shepherd that takes itself for a walk every morning and shits big piles of tonka truck sized, brick-red shit everywhere. German Shepherd, we know it’s you and we are not happy about it. Wanker dog.

2) The ridiculously high kerbs. Not only have you meddled with the tracking on my car you are also responsible for scraping the bottom of the front of my car every time I reverse of the drive. You are probably not causing that much damage to the car, but the horrible, crunching, scream that comes from the undercarriage when I drive off the drive is enough to make me believe that you have ripped the engine from the bonnet and my heart from my chest. Stop hurting me and my car you tall bastard.

Here is Ziggy on Clyde Road:

Clyde Road

We continued down the aforementioned German Shepherd’s favourite toilet or ‘Dog-Shit Alley’ as I call it, which leads us out onto Northern Grove. A nice little street, with lots of nice cars in disgusting colours. One family here has 2 new BMWs parked on their drive. One is banana-yellow and the other is poo-brown?! Who buys a brand new BMW 4×4 in bloody brown?! Too much money leads to dysentery decision making.

There is one car on this street though, which for me is a real beauty. It’s got eyes like a frog and it’s got three flat tyres. It clearly doesn’t get to do the miles it so rightly deserves, but it’s amazing….. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present and leave you with……… the Citroen DS! What a corker!